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♥ Ryn Azrynne
Because none of it was ever worth the risk. But you are the only exception. And I'm on my way to believing. Oh yes I'm on my way to believing. |
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♥ Me
22101986half arab half bugis white chocolates.white roses piano.books.cats the beach starbucks.redbull.pink dolphin red.white.grey sunsets.moonlights headphones.vocal house.shorts arsenal.cod blackops.leica chanel.armani.zara the little mermaid rocket power.ppg fee.lyn.jaz.uzir.mudd ♥ My Links
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♥ My Songs
  Music Playlist at MixPod.com |
the climb
kelly clarkson concert was AWESOME!!! got to see my ultimate fav singer in the whole world besides Christina Aguilera and Agnes Monica live. yes...me and lily we got the 2nd batch/row thingy. it was clear when you're there. but my camera sucks. big time. pictures are on my facebook account. i am still having her voice stuck inside my head. i started liking her since 2002. when she auditioned for american idol with the song At Last by Etta James. that i can clearly remember. i even raised the volume of the tv. so yes. i liked her since middle 2002 when she first auditioned for american idol. now call me a fan. haha i am so not a fan. i am the hardcore fan ever. okok ryn do not go over board. haha. but the concert was amazing. my first concert ever. haha. geek.hmm ok tomorrow is 1st May. wonderful. i love the month of April and May and June. they sound like girls' names. heck even ninja turtle loved April. haha. lame jokes aside... i realised i have been very emotional in most of my recent posts updates. alot of things have been troubling me in my day to day life. be it work or love or family. it has been rough. but i have made a vow to myself. to change. change. and just change. hints have been dropped. i naturally picked them all up. and read each one of the hints i found. first, you do not have to lie to me. by saying i do not have to do this and that when you have been handing out notes every single hour. yeah i read them. so i'll change. heh. and boy i ain't doing this for my own sake. but this guarantees your smile. so whatever works. second, i will change because i believe the people around me would prefer it of me. to not be myself. to be what they expect. i have not been myself for years. and when i tried being myself a few days ago, i got hurled obscenities and whatnot. so yes, whatever works. ok. i am done. i dare say if more stress adds up to the growing pile, i'll just shut down my blog and facebook and whatever related online to me. then i'll disappear into myself. i'll just be this existing corpse. SMILE. LIKE YOU MEAN IT. only the one who came between
i am starting to doubt all that ever was said, because maybe, just maybe, i was only just the one who came between.- life rocks my boat. til it toppled. and now here i am inside the ocean. i see seaweed and baby crabs and little anchovies. damn my hair is ruin. so is everything else. everytime i see them i get doubts. that i was even ever wanted by you. can you not hear me? do you only hear yourself? you talking? all the time? why can't you let me speak love? why? WHY? i tried talking. but i got over-ruled. i even tried whispering. you simply plugged up your ears. you don't want to hear. you don't. go figure out. i am done with explaining. maybe i should go. away. yes. from you. you create my tears. i failed again. i hate you. for not trying to understand and listen to me. NO. don't deny. you never listen. not to me. you do to others. this sucks. big time. am i only for your spare time? yes i know each and everyone of us are busy. but just stop. take one second. listen. can you even hear that? yes THAT. that's me. screaming obscenities. to your one sided ear. screaming to you to understand what i am trying to get inside your brain. stop lying and saying you do listen and you do understand. you don't. shit. why the hell am i even trying. i hate you. for not trying to understand. AND STOP BEING SARCASTIC. do you want me to say goodbye? oh my chanel
obviously...she's preferable over me. listen. can anyone hear that...will anyone even listen? i doubt so...everyone said all i had to do was ask. i almost succeeded but failed. i keep failing. every single bloody time in my entire 23years of life. i fail. there's this saying people keep quoting to me...learn from mistakes and failures. i did. no, wait. i do. but life's like playing this intensely cruel joke on me. making me fall each and every time. i bruise easily damnit. whatever. so then i've taken a huge liking to walking around town alone. there's this really awesome feeling i get which makes me feel absolute. like perfect. think bulltproof glass. but i think i am the only one who can ever break the glass. yes, the glass is like nicked and scratched. become like really bad quality. but still it never breaks. it rained heavily earlier. signs of what is really going on in this morbid head of mine. i wish people had no skulls. then like when it rains, the rain can like wash away the images playing over and over. ok. urgh. no skulls? wtfh was i thinking again. no no no. thank God for skulls. haha...seems i like having DBMs. excuse me for thinking alongside Effy (Skins)...speaking of Skins...it also feels like i'm having a rerun whatever-shiz-i-don't-really-care of an episode. hehe i am speaking in riddles you know. got really sick at work. vomitted. stupid noodles. tragic really tragic. doesnt help that i am super stressed out. i want to have an endless cycle of nothing...where i don't have to feel pain, confusion and insecurities. c'est si imposible...oui? why am i speaking french? LOL ok think happy happy happy thoughts.
oh yes, i watch this movie online Pisau Cukur. really awesome. OH MY CHANEL! haha...but yes awesome show. maybe it's because i like Maya Karin. hehe. she is pretty. and here's the big good news. tomorrow is KELLY CLARKSON'S CONCERT! my life would suck without her! haha. omg i am such a huge fan. why didnt they do any meet and greet for singapore? i think she is such an amazing singer. seriously. she'll help me de-stress myself. haha. ahhh damnit. she's still at the back of my head. no wonder this feels different ever since what was inside my head all along was true. damn damn damn. urgh talk to people also no use. shiz i need hui xian sheng aka des. sandfly is in hospital in bangkok. stupid accident. faster wake up. stupid coma lah. fight lah sandfly. bodoh. sumpah aku buang kau kalau kau tak lawan. stay strong ryn. STRONG. STRONG. STRONG. repeat inside head. you know after i got sick in the loo earlier... (famed noodles was bloody terrible on my poor tummy) i forced myself to walk back to the office. i was sweating madly. no seriously. my body was bathing itself. i swear to God. that was absolutely horrible. sweat was trickling. but the weather was windy just after the rain sort of chilly. and i was freezing. i had goosebumps all along my arms. and said arms was sweating. i had double vision and everything i was hearing had echoes. yes i am a singer but that doesnt mean sounds around me can mock me by being backup singers. urgh. i forced myself to take step by step. even though i was shivering and sweating and throat raw from repeatedly vomitting famed noodles. you see...i am having the chills just thinking about how bad it was earlier. i felt like crap. i took step by step. the journey from the mall to the office should have only been 10minutes at the most. but this one took me 20minutes. yes. i walked that slow. want to know how i managed not to faint? since i am proned to fainting spells especially when it comes to food poisoning... i managed not to faint because i talked to myself. haha. yes i really did. not loudly of course. but murmurs and mumbles. i only got 2 stares from the people passing by. i just kept my eyes either on the ground or straight ahead and kept saying this line "one more step. you're near. come on. just a bit more. very good." over and over again til i was back in the office. i mentally congratulated myself. haha. yes i am weird. but works. i do this all the time when i think i can't make it. usually it happens inside my head. but today was brutal. haha. oh well. it's late. i need sleep. tomorrow hopefully will lift my low spirited self up. please smile more tomorrow ryn...remember your promises to your 3 bestfriends fiza des alieff. goodnight. SICK
i am officially sick.i have to see a doctor like asap...my nose is like a running tap, i have a horrible headache that makes me want to vomit...yeah it is that painful, i have this stupid hacking dry cough which refuses to go away no matter how many glasses of warm water i drink and i am running a slight temperature. no, i don't get sick ever. period. ever. ok wait, it has been years since i was sick like this. my immune system is not strong. no. but it's tough. yes, my immune system has been cultured and taught to be tough in this ever changing weather of hot and cold. oh and yes. i faint easily when i have diarrheas...that is the worst that could happen to me. once i have diarrhea, that's it. haha... so i have input my old blog layout but added the butterfly instead of the white bleeding rose. hope everyone likes it. oh yes, no tagboard this time. neh ni neh ni poopoo. no spammers allowed. NO POSERS either. made a new friend last night after work. chinese girl. same age. hidden beauty. really short hairdo. but really tall. i mean i was in heels 5inches high ok and she still overshadowed me by like 8 more inches. whao. but she is very nice. we exchanged numbers (we're both STRAIGHT ok?!) and facebook. she's not shallow like those panda-meets-naomi kinda person. ok panda isn't shallow. wait. why am i ranting on about skins' characters again? oh yes because i am addicted to skins. oh gee whiz emily fitch is super duper yummy. i wish i was like her. she is a mix of timid shy eclectic passionate person. i love the hair. oh speak to me fellow redheads and tell me you feel me. haha drama... past few days i have actually been trying to hold up the strings. no news of alieff yet. YET. i said YET. anyone who thinks "oh he's dead." will die a horrible death by fats. i am serious. you will eat and eat and eat burgers and fries and icecreams and milkshakes and die in 1week's time. yes a horrible slow death by fats...that will coil around your fat waist of 35cm onwards and wrists like a 6inches dendeng...ok...wtfh am i talking about. i miss alieff. we use to make fun of fat people. bad i know. damn i was skinny at school before. seriously. report book : UNDERWEIGHT. i have issues people. with wangwang rice crackers and vitasoy. ok perangai teet. i need redbull. or starbucks. been a long time since i had redbull. and starbucks. oh...OH. i get it. i need redbull. badly. ok. getting one now. blog again soon. - ryn sandfly.
SANDFLY.the sun and the moon.
failure is beautiful.i am yet again perched on the very edge of the cliff of the harbinger of madness. can i bring an umbrella in case it starts to rain blood? doubt so. then i shall continue balancing. but after that please let me free fall into an abyss of faith. it will be all pitched black. but i believe a sliver of white will cut into the darkness. no light. i cannot find light. will not say this is the end but will say this is the end of the beginning. fly. fly away towards glorified sunrise. still no light. for the sun has burnt out. the moon then. the moon has some light. aghast the moon has flew away to another planet. sheesh. will i land? head first or feet first? i cannot choose. no. i cannot choose. the choice is not mine. and will never, ever be mine. goodnight. scream
what is this feeling that i fear...do you love me? screaming aloud helps me feel better.- whao as promised. this will be a longer entry. for sure. ok alot have been happening. be it personal or work. everything is just a mix and jumble of incoherrenities. that i cannot explain. nor bother to. so moving on. ok kidding. will explain. starting with the least important ones building up to the important ones. 4 to take note readers. career first. i cannot handle the extremes of my workload. yet i must because i just want to work. if possible, 24hrs would be the best option. even though that would be mad. as far as talking about my work here, this is as far as i would go. i am very much a private person. i used to be very open about almost everything that i would simply not hesitate to just yell it out loud. not anymore. i've seen the consequences. ugly stuff. very ugly stuff. but yes, i will be ok. for sure. family second. hmm touchy topic touchy touchy seeing as my family reads almost everything about me. but at times one have to be open. i have been honest as far as honesty goes. yes, THAT honest. i mean come on i am turning 24 this year. lies are so far behind and gone that i can probably even feel disgusted if i were to create lies. i still remember coffeebean jurongpoint story like 7years ago. probably i deserve that slap from dad seeing as i was still underaged and i was still in school stalking people and had to lie to parents saying i was in remedial class even though all i did was walked to jurongpoint with nuriyah from school to get her coffee at coffeebean and walked back to school for remedial. ok long story short i deserved the scolding because i lied. ok no more stalking anymore. be a good girl...sorry...be a good lady. but yes, if i can't be ok now, i will be ok soon. life third. wow. major headache topic. this is going to be one hell of a long topic. ok. here's the deal. i totally feel like life has been playing a game with me. it seems that i cannot look into a mirror and cringeing because of what i see. i see nothing. i don't have a reflection. no, seriously. it just vanished. like that. and yet, that nothingness there in the mirror is me, myself and i. talk about oxymorons. then like right now i am looking at my dream catcher. hanging above my bed. i realised something. i have been having either dreamless sleeps or having good dreams. no bad dreams. the power of mind power. you go buy a canon dslr only to realise that it takes the same pictures as a fujifilm point and shoot camera. but before you realise that the first thing you do upon holding the dslr is that you THINK it's good. well it is good. but back track abit. it is the same. just price-wise. like i said. power of mind power. self-persuasion. you tell yourself over and over again. gee, it works. gee, this is awesome. gee, hell yeah this dress from forever21 is better than that from this fashion (even though it looks the same i don't care because i blew $80 on a grey forever21 dress with the words "born rich" so i must love it). self-persuasion power. try it. it works. no seriously. ok off topic for a moment. haha. so yes about life. i have yet to feel that awesome "this is the best feeling (exerp avril's innocence)" thing i felt when i turned 5 and got to wear this beautiful chiffon silk satin (whatever works so stop harping on materials) white dress because it was my birthday and folks blew $3k on my birthday celebration. speaking of innocence, that's what exactly it was. innocence. i have yet to feel that beautiful crystalline bliss. that's why i said i felt that as if life is playing a game with me. i cannot win. no matter what i do. but yes, i will SLOWLY make myself be ok. love fourth. i won't go. i won't sleep. until you're resting here with me. but then again... here i am once again, i'm torn into pieces. i feel like i need to be honest and say everything. everything, yes. it seems like i'm doing all this for nothing. why am i even bothering? why am i trying? i wish...oh God how i wish it was simpler. this is very trying. too trying. was it just a game to you? do you have to let it linger? yes we do. because we both want to salvage something out of this. i just feel...so so so tired of it. maybe i need time away or something along that. i don't know. i just don't know. i'm scared. i'm very scared because maybe this is all too fast? maybe? just maybe... i am suddenly realising that you didn't really mean what you said... you might not be thinking about us anymore. sometimes people might take things for granted because they have been laughing and smiling and just plain happy. outside. what about trying to see beyond the scented smoke? the flowers there might be wilting. sigh. sigh. sighsss. i am trying so hard and yet i feel that sometimes they don't even want to try. sacrifices just go ahead unnoticed. breathe ryn breathe. i just wish... i wish... no i have to start thinking about myself now. stop saving others. save yourself first woman. so no more wishes. i want something out of this. not just the honeyed words or mere small tiny actions. i want something big. come here. stop staying put over here. i can't possibly walk there all the time. for God's sake at least TRY. just frikking TRY damn it. ok... fine. fine. fine. *shakes head* then I keep trying. you don't have to. stay put. if it means your happiness. fine. yes, one of women's deadliest words. ever. FINE. so anyway it is tres late. sleep time beckons me. goodnight. yes. moodless. extremely moodless. will do something about it. macbook pro, nike red shoes, chanel black flats, shure beta microphone, blackberry phone...here i come!!! yesssaaa! *sings* no more...no more...no more... redbull and starbucks
die. i will die of kencing manis. one day if no 3cans redbull no go. one day if no 1 starbucks vanilla latte or white choc frap no go. diaozzz...so anyway, have been working my butt off. good lah. later more money. then can make ibu ayah smile. at least my aim is ok what. but i really want a macbook air/pro. soon lah. be patient. will definitely get within this year. oh well i am just making this a short entry. next one will be very long and filled with updates. to the max. and to my primary school friends, sorry last night couldnt make it. was doing hair at salon and needed to rush home. will meet up soon. promise. - ryn sarcasm
gandhi onced said "whatever you do in life is insignificant but you just have to do it."i totally agree. sometimes i feel that my life is simply a rerun of a really low grade film. those really bad boring stuffs you watch on tv where it's usually repeated every once a month. yes, like that. totally boring. maybe once in awhile there's some good plot thrown in because the script writer got lucky. but the casts are really bland. honestly, i think i have been really good. no, seriously. i have been mad-ass-frikkishly good to a point where i think crossing the roads when the light is still red is considered really bad and that i would be punished if i were to do it...oh and i meant self-punishment. like "oh no i did something bad i jay-walked so now i must write lines and listen to mr lee (blss math tcher) recite gradients." LOL that was a good one. but back on topic. yes, i have been seriously good. well...not going to say more but these are times where i think that maybe God has something far better for me if i continue staying strong and believing in Him and just close my eyes and lift my hands up and pray for strength. everything just will be better. it feels that way to me. God is great like that. so i have to be thankful. for everything. keep smiling ok. so anyway, worklife has been hectic. he has been calling and calling and calling me. yucks. and when i get on msn he has been PM-ing me again and again. i am working. you're schooling. you're different. i am busy almost all day. you're on spring break dude. sheesh. like give me a break ok. do you want to talk every single day? now you can't live without hearing my voice? ok sorry dude. was harsh but reality is. and there i go again. ranting. excellent. ah how my sense of sarcasm has been heightened. thank you world. goodnight. - ryn lul whut
lul whut.heh. work. sucks. big. time. can i please don't work 9-5 job? pretty please? sighs aplenty. gee whiz i have been spending alot this week. ok. please save ryn. life has been super duper fly for me. haha. seriously. not much sad days. past few days i bought shoes, dresses, tops, pants, leggings, accessories...etc etc. best. yum yum. ok shall update more soon. it is late. goodnight world. - ryn |