obviously...she's preferable over me.

listen.

can anyone hear that...will anyone even listen? i doubt so...everyone said all i had to do was ask. i almost succeeded but failed. i keep failing. every single bloody time in my entire 23years of life. i fail. there's this saying people keep quoting to me...learn from mistakes and failures. i did. no, wait. i do. but life's like playing this intensely cruel joke on me. making me fall each and every time. i bruise easily damnit. whatever.

so then i've taken a huge liking to walking around town alone. there's this really awesome feeling i get which makes me feel absolute. like perfect. think bulltproof glass. but i think i am the only one who can ever break the glass. yes, the glass is like nicked and scratched. become like really bad quality. but still it never breaks.

it rained heavily earlier.

signs of what is really going on in this morbid head of mine. i wish people had no skulls. then like when it rains, the rain can like wash away the images playing over and over. ok. urgh. no skulls? wtfh was i thinking again. no no no. thank God for skulls. haha...seems i like having DBMs. excuse me for thinking alongside Effy (Skins)...speaking of Skins...it also feels like i'm having a rerun whatever-shiz-i-don't-really-care of an episode. hehe i am speaking in riddles you know.

got really sick at work. vomitted. stupid noodles. tragic really tragic. doesnt help that i am super stressed out.

i want to have an endless cycle of nothing...where i don't have to feel pain, confusion and insecurities. c'est si imposible...oui? why am i speaking french? LOL ok think happy happy happy thoughts.

oh yes, i watch this movie online Pisau Cukur. really awesome. OH MY CHANEL! haha...but yes awesome show. maybe it's because i like Maya Karin. hehe. she is pretty.

and here's the big good news. tomorrow is KELLY CLARKSON'S CONCERT! my life would suck without her! haha. omg i am such a huge fan. why didnt they do any meet and greet for singapore? i think she is such an amazing singer. seriously. she'll help me de-stress myself. haha.

ahhh damnit. she's still at the back of my head. no wonder this feels different ever since what was inside my head all along was true. damn damn damn. urgh talk to people also no use. shiz i need hui xian sheng aka des. sandfly is in hospital in bangkok. stupid accident. faster wake up. stupid coma lah. fight lah sandfly. bodoh. sumpah aku buang kau kalau kau tak lawan. stay strong ryn.

STRONG. STRONG. STRONG. repeat inside head.

you know after i got sick in the loo earlier... (famed noodles was bloody terrible on my poor tummy) i forced myself to walk back to the office. i was sweating madly. no seriously. my body was bathing itself. i swear to God. that was absolutely horrible. sweat was trickling. but the weather was windy just after the rain sort of chilly. and i was freezing. i had goosebumps all along my arms. and said arms was sweating. i had double vision and everything i was hearing had echoes. yes i am a singer but that doesnt mean sounds around me can mock me by being backup singers. urgh. i forced myself to take step by step. even though i was shivering and sweating and throat raw from repeatedly vomitting famed noodles. you see...i am having the chills just thinking about how bad it was earlier. i felt like crap. i took step by step. the journey from the mall to the office should have only been 10minutes at the most. but this one took me 20minutes. yes. i walked that slow. want to know how i managed not to faint? since i am proned to fainting spells especially when it comes to food poisoning... i managed not to faint because i talked to myself. haha. yes i really did. not loudly of course. but murmurs and mumbles. i only got 2 stares from the people passing by. i just kept my eyes either on the ground or straight ahead and kept saying this line "one more step. you're near. come on. just a bit more. very good." over and over again til i was back in the office. i mentally congratulated myself. haha. yes i am weird. but works. i do this all the time when i think i can't make it. usually it happens inside my head. but today was brutal. haha.

oh well. it's late. i need sleep. tomorrow hopefully will lift my low spirited self up. please smile more tomorrow ryn...remember your promises to your 3 bestfriends fiza des alieff.

goodnight.