|
♥ Ryn Azrynne
Because none of it was ever worth the risk. But you are the only exception. And I'm on my way to believing. Oh yes I'm on my way to believing. |
|
|
♥ Me
22101986half arab half bugis white chocolates.white roses piano.books.cats the beach starbucks.redbull.pink dolphin red.white.grey sunsets.moonlights headphones.vocal house.shorts arsenal.cod blackops.leica chanel.armani.zara the little mermaid rocket power.ppg fee.lyn.jaz.uzir.mudd ♥ My Links
Add & FollowFormspring azbutt89 - PSN (PS3) ♥ My Memories
♥ My Songs
  Music Playlist at MixPod.com |
scream
what is this feeling that i fear...do you love me? screaming aloud helps me feel better.- whao as promised. this will be a longer entry. for sure. ok alot have been happening. be it personal or work. everything is just a mix and jumble of incoherrenities. that i cannot explain. nor bother to. so moving on. ok kidding. will explain. starting with the least important ones building up to the important ones. 4 to take note readers. career first. i cannot handle the extremes of my workload. yet i must because i just want to work. if possible, 24hrs would be the best option. even though that would be mad. as far as talking about my work here, this is as far as i would go. i am very much a private person. i used to be very open about almost everything that i would simply not hesitate to just yell it out loud. not anymore. i've seen the consequences. ugly stuff. very ugly stuff. but yes, i will be ok. for sure. family second. hmm touchy topic touchy touchy seeing as my family reads almost everything about me. but at times one have to be open. i have been honest as far as honesty goes. yes, THAT honest. i mean come on i am turning 24 this year. lies are so far behind and gone that i can probably even feel disgusted if i were to create lies. i still remember coffeebean jurongpoint story like 7years ago. probably i deserve that slap from dad seeing as i was still underaged and i was still in school stalking people and had to lie to parents saying i was in remedial class even though all i did was walked to jurongpoint with nuriyah from school to get her coffee at coffeebean and walked back to school for remedial. ok long story short i deserved the scolding because i lied. ok no more stalking anymore. be a good girl...sorry...be a good lady. but yes, if i can't be ok now, i will be ok soon. life third. wow. major headache topic. this is going to be one hell of a long topic. ok. here's the deal. i totally feel like life has been playing a game with me. it seems that i cannot look into a mirror and cringeing because of what i see. i see nothing. i don't have a reflection. no, seriously. it just vanished. like that. and yet, that nothingness there in the mirror is me, myself and i. talk about oxymorons. then like right now i am looking at my dream catcher. hanging above my bed. i realised something. i have been having either dreamless sleeps or having good dreams. no bad dreams. the power of mind power. you go buy a canon dslr only to realise that it takes the same pictures as a fujifilm point and shoot camera. but before you realise that the first thing you do upon holding the dslr is that you THINK it's good. well it is good. but back track abit. it is the same. just price-wise. like i said. power of mind power. self-persuasion. you tell yourself over and over again. gee, it works. gee, this is awesome. gee, hell yeah this dress from forever21 is better than that from this fashion (even though it looks the same i don't care because i blew $80 on a grey forever21 dress with the words "born rich" so i must love it). self-persuasion power. try it. it works. no seriously. ok off topic for a moment. haha. so yes about life. i have yet to feel that awesome "this is the best feeling (exerp avril's innocence)" thing i felt when i turned 5 and got to wear this beautiful chiffon silk satin (whatever works so stop harping on materials) white dress because it was my birthday and folks blew $3k on my birthday celebration. speaking of innocence, that's what exactly it was. innocence. i have yet to feel that beautiful crystalline bliss. that's why i said i felt that as if life is playing a game with me. i cannot win. no matter what i do. but yes, i will SLOWLY make myself be ok. love fourth. i won't go. i won't sleep. until you're resting here with me. but then again... here i am once again, i'm torn into pieces. i feel like i need to be honest and say everything. everything, yes. it seems like i'm doing all this for nothing. why am i even bothering? why am i trying? i wish...oh God how i wish it was simpler. this is very trying. too trying. was it just a game to you? do you have to let it linger? yes we do. because we both want to salvage something out of this. i just feel...so so so tired of it. maybe i need time away or something along that. i don't know. i just don't know. i'm scared. i'm very scared because maybe this is all too fast? maybe? just maybe... i am suddenly realising that you didn't really mean what you said... you might not be thinking about us anymore. sometimes people might take things for granted because they have been laughing and smiling and just plain happy. outside. what about trying to see beyond the scented smoke? the flowers there might be wilting. sigh. sigh. sighsss. i am trying so hard and yet i feel that sometimes they don't even want to try. sacrifices just go ahead unnoticed. breathe ryn breathe. i just wish... i wish... no i have to start thinking about myself now. stop saving others. save yourself first woman. so no more wishes. i want something out of this. not just the honeyed words or mere small tiny actions. i want something big. come here. stop staying put over here. i can't possibly walk there all the time. for God's sake at least TRY. just frikking TRY damn it. ok... fine. fine. fine. *shakes head* then I keep trying. you don't have to. stay put. if it means your happiness. fine. yes, one of women's deadliest words. ever. FINE. so anyway it is tres late. sleep time beckons me. goodnight. yes. moodless. extremely moodless. will do something about it. macbook pro, nike red shoes, chanel black flats, shure beta microphone, blackberry phone...here i come!!! yesssaaa! *sings* no more...no more...no more... |