|
♥ Ryn Azrynne
Because none of it was ever worth the risk. But you are the only exception. And I'm on my way to believing. Oh yes I'm on my way to believing. |
|
|
♥ Me
22101986half arab half bugis white chocolates.white roses piano.books.cats the beach starbucks.redbull.pink dolphin red.white.grey sunsets.moonlights headphones.vocal house.shorts arsenal.cod blackops.leica chanel.armani.zara the little mermaid rocket power.ppg fee.lyn.jaz.uzir.mudd ♥ My Links
Add & FollowFormspring azbutt89 - PSN (PS3) ♥ My Memories
♥ My Songs
  Music Playlist at MixPod.com |
an impossibility.
wading in chest high torrential waters, i stumble and lose my footing upon stepping on some tangled seaweed and broken twigs. i am now free-falling into a black abyss that threatens to drown me. i feel so horrible. what have i done to myself? i have succeeded in created a monster. a faceless manifestation called facade and i really hate myself for this. everything has gone utterly wrong and i am nothing but a shell now. a black empty void of any feelings. i am laughing meaningless joy. i am smiling meaningless happiness. and i am not allowed to shed a tear of reality because by doing so i am vandalizing my own self worth. i am nothing now. i believe that whole heartedly. i am crying whilst typing this out because i am still human. i feel. but i know i cannot feel. i wonder if God knows. God knows. i know that. but i cannot call upon Him for help. because i am not even helping myself right about now. left and right i fake. up and down i fake. I CANNOT BE MYSELF ANY LONGER. this life left upon me lingers like a bitter after taste forever staying on my tongue. like the taste of really badly burnt toast. but this is ok. compared to the dozens of homeless children or parents-less orphans left to starve or left in an orphanage. or worst... youths left to die after a blitzkrieg and armless or legless. or the ultimate worst, writhing in bloodied pain from the after math of an earthquake. ... there! i have cheered myself up. =D smile and chin up. this aint the worst. i am still alive. fed with an egg sandwich and sheltered in a large and beautiful home in an apartment. having beautiful red shoulder length hair with brighter red highlights from a salon in a mall. made up with Chanel and smelling like vanilla head to toe from Victoria's Secret. mothered by the perfect self-sacrificing mother a daughter could have. clothed in the cleanest tee and jeans. sipping an iced latte from starbucks in an expensive mall using money slotted in an expensive kate spade wallet gifted from said mother. whatsapping the ultimate caring bestfriend who worries 24/7 on an iphone cased in a paul frank ltd edt iphone casing gifted from a penpal. what more can a girl ask for? and yet...the answer screams at me right about 10 seconds ago. the answer shall forever stay with me and nobody will ever know. - so yeap. enough rants and degrading myself. met molly a few days back for sushi at a nearby mall. fucking down to earth. loving that woman. met huimin too. i swear that girl just gives me her confidence so that i will feel a thousand times better. 14 years since primary school baby and still counting. adores you like mad! met desmond the ultimate bestfriend. one word. soulmate. i just wish alieff hadnt moved on from me. =/ birthday was spent with shazlyn sugar and fee cuzin. mostly shazlyn. dinner at bobby's. movie was rapunzel. beautiful night. love my japanese sugar fix. right now everything seems impossible. i see everyone settling down if not getting engaged. ME? oh... i'll probably look for someone when i am 30. fuck that. make it 35. right now i rather be alone. YES ALONE. i have limited social shitzies to about a bare minimum. only fiza, desmond, shazlyn. yes that's about the only ppl i will meet if need be everyday. the rest are just passing thru to make my day an easier one. oh. bryan? he's been quiet. about everything. it's ok. i understand. i am fine. i will be i guess. ok. fuck. let's just assume i am ok. OK? I AM FINE. I AM FINE. I AM FINE. fuck bipolarism. no such things!!! I AM FINE! I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM!!! - i feel so damn degraded and my self esteem have just hit rock bottom. nobody is down there to give his/her hand to pick me up. this is the lonely road. bye. =/ |